I Went Out Today!

Yes, it's true. It was dark, and the weather was dreadful, so I decided to take the dog for a walk with my mum, because she would've been alone otherwise. I hated every second of it, but at least it's a start.

There wasn't too many people around which was good, and even if there was, I was unnoticeable due to the darkness around where I live. There isn't much lighting, and the earth dips about 8ft on the fields. If it was daylight time, I wouldn't have been able to mentally do it.

I will start doing this when my step-father works late, and is unable to walk with her. It not only prevents me from worrying about something happening to her while she's out, but it's also helping me. She wants me to start coming out in the day too, but I can't see that happening for quite some time.

For anyone who is wondering what happened with regard to the social services being called, well, she didn't call them. The following morning there was another slight argument, and all was sorted... for the time being. However, I'm certain there will be another time, probably soon, when something similar happens. So, don't expect that to be the last outburst from me, haha.

On another note, I was contacted recently by a fellow blogger. He gave me some ideas of who to go see, and what course of action would be best for me to get sorted. His wife has the same condition as me. He's a really inspiring character, and a talented blogger. Take a look at his blog here.

Fuck This

Well, tonight I've been threatened with social services again. Apparently, my mother doesn't want me here anymore, and is phoning them tomorrow. It's not my fucking fault the way I am. I didn't ask to be given birth to for fuck's sake. I'm fuming right now.

It all started earlier on with my mother questioning what I was doing online, like she does everyday. Telling me I need to get off there, and that it's the Internet that's caused me to become this way. If anything, the Internet's helped me a great deal by allowing me to connect with people like me from around the world. But, I guess some people are far too small-minded to grasp that. They think the Internet is just full of lies and deceit.

I'm starting to question myself as to whether hanging on is worth it. I'm so fucking annoyed with everything right now, and just want it all to end. In a way I hope she does call them. They may be more understanding than my own damn mother. I'm afraid to even be writing this as she's looked at my blog before, and constantly goes through my bookmarks to see what sites I've been visiting. It's like living in a damn prison.

Online Falseness

Call me cynical, but I believe over 80% of the people online are not being themselves, and have resorted to the Internet to become that cool guy that they've always wanted to be.

Whether it's a message board I'm visiting, or a social networking site, it just seems to be predominately populated by people that aren't being themselves. People will post things that are obviously not well thought out, and it shows. You can tell they're only posting it so the readers of that post will think higher of him/her.

One of my friends who I met online has always had his unique form of writing. It's informal to say the least, but that's what I like about him. He's a guy that likes to be unique, or at least I thought he did. I recently spotted him on a message board that is filled with people who subjectively believe they're intelligent. (I know this as I was a former member myself.) They don't admit it, but it shows. Most of them have egos the size of Jupiter. Whether those egos are warranted is unknown, but I highly doubt it in most cases. Anyway, he registered at this forum. It wasn't long before his unique style of writing went out the window, and he became sort of a grammar nazi. I'm disappointed to say the least. It always shocks me to see how people change around different people, and how they'll alter themselves just for the sake of fitting in.

The Dreaded Copy & Paste

Earlier, we were booking flights for my step-father to go back to Italy, to attend his sister's funeral. We booked the flight through Ryanair, but before we accomplished that, we had a little trouble getting to the checkout stage. My mother was having trouble with it, so I offered to lend a hand. As we were filling in the details, we had to reconfirm many of the items such as the email address, and the rest. So, I simply copied and pasted them as I knew they were correct, instead of typing everything twice. Anyway, shortly after, the site froze, and stopped responding. My mum immediately shouted, "See what you've done now! You've messed it up by doing that!". I laughed for about an hour straight. Anyway, all is booked now, and he's heading out on Sunday.

It is a Sad Day Today

We received a phone call at eight o'clock this morning from Italy. We missed the call, but soon called them straight back as my step-father's sister has had cancer for some time; as you can imagine, we feared the worst. We were right to worry, after phoning the number back, my step-father's sister's husband, Alessandro, answered the phone and gave us the bad news. She passed away at five o'clock this morning.

She was a nice woman, and very selfless. I remember once visiting her home, and as soon as I set foot through the door, I was offered beverages and food, and was even offered to join them for a meal later in the day. Even though me and my step-father generally don't get on, I felt for him today, and I too felt upset. Rest in peace, Antonella. You will be sorely missed.

Social Networking Sites

There seems to be more and more social networking sites popping up as of late.

I had a MySpace account not so long ago, and I deleted it. I recall feeling the need to login into my account each and every day. I had a few "friends" on the site who I chatted with on a regular basis, but eventually we slowly started to lose contact and go our separate ways. MySpace, in my opinion, is a cesspit containing everything that's bad in the world today - narcissism, vulgarity, falseness. I met countless people there who would display a picture of someone else (usually someone very attractive), and claim it was them. I suppose it's because of the media, amongst other things. People think they need to look a certain way, or of a certain "standard" to be accepted, which, in part, can be indeed true.

I have a Facebook account now. I only use it to stay in contact with people I know in the real world. Sometimes the site can get me down, because I see all of my other friends interacting with people they know, and saying things like "We had a great night last night." and it really opens my eyes to how much my life fails in comparison. I don't want to delete my account because they'll all be thinking I deleted them, and I do not want that to happen.

I recall when I got my first internet connection setup. Once functioning, the first sites I wanted to join and get involved in were of the social networking variety. From my experiences now, I realize just how foolish I was.

My Life in Italy

A few years ago I moved to Rome, Italy, with my mother and step-father. We decided to move because my step-father wanted to be in closer contact with his family, and my mother had always loved Italy.

I enjoyed my time there, and it was a sad day we moved back. I had many more friends, and I used to go out daily with them to the beach, amongst other places. It was a totally different lifestyle to what I lead now.

I lived outside the centre of Rome, a place called Guidonia. It was a small little town set out in Rome's countryside. The people were pleasant, and there were many bars and shops; so you never had to go very far. I used to get my breakfast from a local bar just around the corner from the apartment we were renting. A usual breakfast consisted of a cappuccino, and a small pastry cake.

I worked in the centre of Rome, in the Hotel Fiume. It was a three star hotel at the time (now it's four). I worked at the bar with my step-father, and usually we'd end up watching television, because most of the clients were put off by the prices of the drinks, when they could go to a bar within a few minutes walk away and get the same drinks for a much cheaper price. It was an extremely easy job. The only difficult thing was getting there, which was a two hour drive away everyday and night. It was an extremely stressful journey in the daytime, as Rome's traffic is tremendously bad. We were lucky to get there without attaining a new dent in the van each day.

We moved back because of financial difficulties. My mother disliked her job, and had no means of obtaining another. We were lucky to get the jobs we got. The only reason we got them was because my step-father had worked for the firm (B&H Hotels) prior to moving in with my mother. We had lived there for over a year before returning to the UK, and it was an experience in my life which I shall never forget.

Trust

Trust is something that I find very hard to have in someone. After all, it takes years to develop trust for someone, and only seconds to break it.

Through my life I've had many of friends, and almost all of them have broken my trust towards them. In ways such as sleeping with my partner at the time, and spreading lies about me just to name a couple. This has caused me to become very cynical towards others, even family.

I suppose my cynicism has made me become more reclusive. If I ever do go out with friends or family, I often take things they say the wrong way. They think I'm twisting their words on purpose, and usually it will initiate an argument, and I hate arguing. Now, I try to accept what they're saying as positive, unless I believe they are truly being negative, which in most cases, is indeed the case.

I'm interested in hearing your thoughts about trust. Are you the type of person who will trust anyone, or does it take you some time to build up trust for someone?

Sunlight

Usually, when the sun comes out, people enjoy going outside more often, and generally have a happier persona than say they would on a miserable, dull day. I, however, am the opposite. When I go out in the sunlight, I feel like all of the facial imperfections I believe to have are highlighted by its gaze, and I stick out like a sore thumb. It's a bit like the spotlight effect I talked about in the "Self-Consciousness" post. It also doesn't help that I have extremely pale skin, and when I do go out in it, I look like a ghost.

I suppose when I see the sun out I think back to when I had a healthy social life, and how I used to love going to play soccer on a sunny day. It brings back memories, and I don't like it. It also makes me think of all the people having fun out at the promenade or going to the local swimming baths, and I wish I was able to, too.

Self-Consciousness

I've always been self-conscious; even from a young age. I feel like a spotlight is being held above my head when I walk outdoors, and that everyone around me is constantly staring at me, and saying unpleasant things about me. I can't stand it. I feel like an alien. I prefer to go out when the Sun is down, as I feel no-one will notice me.

At home, I'm constantly studying myself in the mirror, and closing in on the imperfections I believe I have. People have told me in the past that I'm not a bad looking guy, and I shouldn't be concerned about my appearance, but it makes no difference to me. I believe I'm a hideous looking beast, and a circus freak. It sounds a bit over-exaggerated, but that's exactly how I feel.

In the past when I did go out, I'd occasionally get propositioned by a girl to go out sometime for a drink, and they'd throw all kinds of compliments at me, but I always thought they were patronizing me, and that truly they just wanted to heighten my spirits. Unaware to them, though, their compliments ended up having the opposite effect, and I believed that they were just feeling sorry for me.

What 'triggered' my depression?

That's a question I ask myself most days. Nothing really springs to mind. I was never bullied at school, have never been humiliated, and have never lived through something that has made me overly sad.

I come from a broken home, and I've heard on more than one occasion that many people suffering with depression come from broken homes, too. I personally believe the two aren't linked, as my mother has always cared for me to her full capabilities. There were times though, which I mentioned in an earlier post, that I craved for some company. I would have loved to have a brother or sister in the times when there were constant arguments and fights in the household.

I believe it's mainly due to loneliness. I sit up all night as I suffer with insomnia, and I have the deepest and darkest thoughts you could imagine. I think about burning alive in a car wreck, or my mother (who's my only source of security) dying on her way to work. These thoughts never leave my head, and I even have dreams about similar things when I eventually do get to sleep.

Work

I've worked from home for the past year now, and enjoy my current job very much. I design and print gift cards for a small store nearby. The pay all depends on the time of year, and how many cards they need done.

Although I enjoy my job, I do wish I could work with the public like I used to. I once worked in a hotel bar (believe it or not) near the centre of Rome, Italy, and at that time I loved it. It was great to meet and socialize with new people each day from all around the world. I can't believe how much my life has changed since then. Any job that requires even the slightest bit of public interaction now would be like hell on Earth for me.

My Parents

My parents aren't very understanding of my condition, and believe it's all down to me simply being lazy. I'll be the first to admit, I am slightly lazy, but that is not linked in any way whatsoever with me not wanting to go out the house. I'd love to live a "normal" life, and be able to go to the pub with my friends, amongst many other things, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

My parents split up when I was young, and I've always lived with my mum. It's always just been me and my mum until a few years ago when she met a new man - an Italian, from Roma. I'll talk more about him at a later date. I do have siblings, but they are through my father, and I have never met them. I sometimes wish I'd had a brother or sister for company through the hard times. I still see my father from time to time, and he has his own theories on how to get me going out, and believes I do not need psychological help. He's a very intelligent man, but I think in this instance he is wrong. I've been forced out many of times, and have always just sat at the front door for hours, until they finally let me back in.

My mum is more understanding, and she has helped me seek help. She does, however, have her bad days when she'll shout at me for being on the computer for hours on end and not doing anything else. It's very understandable, and I realize that I must put her under extreme pressure at times, but I can't help the way I am. I'm not one of those people who puts their parents down, and blames them for everything, because I know this is partly due to certain things that have happened in the past which none of my family know about.

Chatbots

As I barely ever leave my doorstep, and haven't done for a reasonably long time, I, at times, get incredibly bored. Recently though, I started programming chatbots, something I've wanted to do for a long time.

Chatbots are AIs, that speak to you as if it were a human being. They're not overly difficult to program, and once you start tweaking your bot, you're hooked. Some of the conversations you'll see your bot in can be quite intriguing, and many of the clients mine gets are usually lonely people who just want someone to chat to, much like myself. If you'd like to chat to a bot, the ChatBot Toplist (created by Thunder Walk Productions) is a great place to look, as it lists many of the best bots out there.

CLICK HERE TO VISIT THE CHATBOT TOPLIST!

My Life Indoors

With each day that passes, I can see my life slowly fading away. I wake up, turn the computer on, and sit there from morning to night; only moving to get myself a cup of coffee, or something to eat.

I've always just gotten on with it, and accepted the issues I have. But, sometimes there are instances when I see just how sad my life is, and how much I am wasting it. I have many friends, I don't really know why, but I do. When I speak to them I hear their stories of meeting the girl of their dreams, and telling me I should come out and meet her, but I just can't, and they don't seem to understand. My friends are good, and have always accepted me for who I am, and know that I can't go out, but I just wish sometimes that they could call me without inviting me to go out, and we could just have a pleasant conversation over the phone instead.

I often gaze out of my window and watch the world go by - I see friends meeting up to go out and party on Friday night, I see families coming together, and I see young couples sharing a moment of sheer passion and love for each other, be it through a simple kiss. I see what I'm missing out on, and have no means to "Get in on the act." as they say.

I think in the future I will end up either ending my life, or turning it around completely. Of course, I would prefer the latter choice to come into fruition, but if I were a gambling man, I'd put my money on the first. The reason I say that is because I'm too afraid of walking out of that door to see the psychologist, and I do not have the money to go private. I wish I did. There are also other reasons - not having many understanding family members around, and not having a strong enough mind to combat the issue myself.